Empath Lights The light in me recognizes the light in you.

Have you ever seen the old B & W movie, It’s a Wonderful Life? Although it is 50+ years old, the message still rings true today. You never know how many lives you touch. Your words and actions can have a profound effect on others’ lives in a way that you have never imagined. You are changing the world every day just by being here and just by being you.

So we need to be thoughtful. Be present. In every situation. We need to listen before we respond. To think before we respond. Especially in times of struggle. People will seek us out because of our innate wiring for emotional understanding. Sensitive people will know what someone else is feeling and know that people in pain are in a state of high alert tuned into judgment or empathy. They will hear what we are saying deeply, so say it with compassion and care. They will feel our touch or our actions deeply, so respond in a caring but non-intrusive manner. We are there to bear witness and help, but it is not our wound to heal. As much as we would like to, we can’t take the pain of another away. So what can we do? Listen – a lot. Offer compassion. Give advice when asked. What you say and do will matter greatly in these moments.

One’s presence and words will have a ripple effect that is never fully known by the speaker (just like George in the movie). Example – I was at a school event having a side conversation with another mother. She asked me if I was okay. I said no that my recent miscarriage was really tough. She asked me if we would try again. I said I didn’t know. She looked directly into my eyes to get my full attention. “You don’t want to be 86 and wonder what would have happened if you tried again….” These words stuck with me, and I repeated them in my head many times. They influenced me in a way that she never knew. I chose courage and hope, and we did try again, and I did have another child.

What you do and say in everyday encounters matters.  “To find the best in others; to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or a redeemed social condition; to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. That is to have succeeded.” ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

An empath can look into your eyes and see your heart. If “The eyes are the windows to the soul,” (Shakespeare), then I would add that the heart is the soul’s keeper. To us, the soul is the seat of our deepest and truest part and where our emotional self lives. Empaths have this second sight of seeing in through this window. We are let in without even trying. We just know. It is a trait and a blessing that we must handle with care and compassion.

It is an unusual gift to be able to see the feelings of another, and for a long time, I didn’t understand it. To see the walking wounded and not be swallowed up by their feelings was, and still is, difficult. To be compassionate and caring without losing yourself was, and still is, difficult. To realize that you have this great gift of empathy to extend to others has to be balanced with realizing that you have to extend it to yourself too. You have to VALUE and TRUST your own emotions.

Emotions are evident in someone’s face, and empaths often have an uncanny memory for faces (not names). It’s in the eyes, the windows to the soul. Empaths will intuitively think – What are you feeling? And what do you need from me? And are you honest? Empaths will sense this in any encounter with another. We are good seers and good listeners.

So how do you use your power for the greater good of others and be kind to yourself?  You can’t help but get down in the trenches of emotion, but here is some advice.

1. 1. Be a helper and listener to others, but reflect back rather than absorb ALL their emotions. This will help others learn how to become stronger as they deal with their own issues.
2. 2. Know your limits to helping. You are not there to be your friend’s psychologist or receptacle.
3. 3. Acknowledge your bullshit detector. You know when someone is lying; don’t give them an audience.
4. 4. Acknowledge the drama kings and queens. Yes, the emotional highs will be awesome, but it’s not worth the lows. Emotional yo-yo is not a game for you.
5. 5. Help those who are open to your gifts. Listen well. Share your empathy with someone who is struggling with an issue or decision.
6. 6. Be yourself. You accept others, expect the same in return.

Namaste.

Sympathy and Empathy. Not the same thing. Not even two sides of the same coin. Sympathy is kindness at a distance often with a little bit of judgment thrown in. Empathy is kindness up close and personal with a lot of acceptance thrown in. You send a card with sympathy. You sit next to someone with empathy.

With empathy, you lean in. You recognize that you can’t fix it, but you can be present. And you can bear witness to a difficult part of someone else’s journey.

Empaths do this naturally – it is a big part of who we are. Not everyone will feel with the same intensity as empaths. Not everyone will just “know” how someone is feeling by being near them without a word being uttered. But everyone can foster their empathy by simply observing and listening and STAYING PRESENT to another person.

Why would someone want to learn to give or receive empathy? Why not just stay more comfortable in sympathy? Below is a short video by Brene Brown on Sympathy vs. Empathy – and if a picture is worth a thousand words, video is worth at least 10,000. This short video illustrates beautifully (and with humor) why empathy is the way to go.

“Feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else’s misfortune” is the Google definition of sympathy. Whereas, “The ability to understand and share the feelings of another” is the Google definition of empathy. Which would you rather give and/or receive?

It’s a teachable moment with a child. When they say, “I don’t care.” And you respond, ” I do.”  “I do care.” I can tell you that it takes them aback. And it catches them off guard. They look at you wide eyed. You see, you have shifted the conversation with the fewest of words. And they didn’t expect it. Your reply makes them stop and wonder. And wonder is good.

Caring is my super power – and maybe yours too. So don’t hide your light under a bushel. Be open about it. Let it shine light. Let it shine wonder. Step into the fray. You have the power to turn around a conversation, a thought, an action of another just by staking your claim – “I care.” It means “You matter to me,” and “What you think and feel matters to me,” and “What happens next matters to me.”

“I don’t care” is often a universal response to feeling hopeless. That is true for children and for adults. (Of course, sometimes “I don’t care” does mean “It is not important to me, so I let it go.” And we need to acknowledge that as a just sentiment.) When you tell someone “I do care,” you extend your hand – and your heart and your mind. You are saying, “You are not alone,” and “We will figure this out,” and “It will be okay.” You are puncturing the balloon of exasperation.

“I do care” is a game changer. It says “I see you.” It says “I acknowledge that you are at a loss for other words….” Often this exchange of words is followed by silence. Sit with it. If you are close to this person, you may offer a hand or a hug. Otherwise, just sit together or stand together. Time is on you side in this one. Let the words and your caring sink in.

By being present in this way, you are bringing hope to another. Conversation or action will eventually follow (maybe soon or maybe down the road), but you have opened the door, even if it’s just a crack. You have gently let your light in. You have engaged another soul and made them feel a little less alone in the world. And that is what caring and hope is all about.