Encouragement

We Could Light Up the World

July 22, 2018 by 0 Comments

Imagine if our common goal were to bring our best, most compassionate selves into the world every day? We could light up the world with hope. And with its companion, love. Are you in?

A little hope from a lot of people all put together is a lot of hope. It is true that there is strength in numbers. You know when you’re a little tired and you go into work? If you are surrounded with tired, and worse yet, complaining, people all day at work, you will be exhausted by the end of the day. If you are surrounded with caring and hopeful people, people who are fully present to listen and support you and problem solve whatever comes up that day at work, you will feel better by the end of the day. You see, kindness breeds kindness; hope breeds hope. We lift each other up, and a little bit of lifting by a large group of people creates a lot of hope for a better day.

One person can shift a whole room into hopefulness. It is contagious. I’ll give you another example. Birth. When a woman is giving birth, it is often a long and difficult journey. Her emotions are all over the place. It is well documented, and I know from personal experience, that encouragement and hope from another in the room makes all the difference to the birthing mother. When others are calm and undaunted, their energy embraces all in the room. It is common for birthing mothers to feel like giving up near the end. In fact, it’s a sign that labor is almost over, and the baby is almost here. Those in the room have enormous power to help the mother-to-be just by saying, “You’re doing a great job” (being hopeful).

And in these tumultuous political times, we really need to lift each other with hope and compassion, when it’s hard to remain hopeful. Optimism is a struggle. Yet, struggle with it, we must. Our success for positive change in our world lies in our combined hopes and our collective efforts. Don’t think your attitude doesn’t matter. It does. Be compassionate and hopeful again and again and again. When enough of us put forth our little lights for hope, kindness, and justice, together our glow will light up the world – and change it.

 

Advocacy

No More I Love You Buts

July 15, 2018 by 0 Comments

Everyone wants to hear I love you. No one wants to hear I love you but _______. It changes the whole meaning of the phrase. It is like a left-handed compliment. It sets you up to hear something beautiful, but ends up with you hearing something ugly. It is disguised criticism, and it is mean, thoughtless, and cruel. (Not to mention, judgmental and self-righteous to boot.)

Beware of I love you but-ters because they don’t play fair. They are especially dangerous for highly sensitive people and empaths because they cause us emotional swings. (It’s a constant challenge for us to regulate our emotions anyway.)  We hear and feel the lovely words, then get blindsided by the following criticism. I love you buts wreak havoc with us.

Urban Dictionary defines I Love You, But as: “The phrase someone close to you says before they point out a flaw, something you did or are currently doing wrong, a mistake you made, something embarrassing, or flat out mean.” (Words in bold are from Urban Dictionary, not me.)

The most common I love you buts that HSPs and empaths hear are “I love you, but you are too sensitive,” or “I love you, but you are too emotional.” This implies that there is something wrong with us and the way we are (intrinsically wrong). It is criticizing us for being us. It’s something that we can’t change, so it is a confusing and hurtful to hear from someone who says they love us. We see being sensitive and emotional as our strength (and are well aware that the rest of the world often doesn’t see it that way).The capacity to feel empathy and compassion deeply is who we are and what we do.

If you are hearing I love you but _____, I suggest that you point out to the I love you but-ter that it is hurtful and unacceptable; to knock it off. (Often, they have learned this phrase/behavior in childhood from unhealthy/critical parents.) If they love you as they say, they can unlearn it.

You deserve three beautiful words. I love you. Period.

 

 

 

 

Self-acceptance

Be Comfortable in Your Own Skin

July 8, 2018 by 0 Comments

I’ve always admired artists who paint self-portraits. Imagine looking in a mirror for hours to recreate yourself in paint on canvas? (Much harder than taking a quick selfie.) It is an intense act of bravery ~ to look so closely at yourself, to be that comfortable in your own skin.

And isn’t that the goal for everyone in life? To be comfortable in your own skin? To own who you are and what you are? To know what and how you can contribute to this thing called life? To be authentic.

We’re born authentic. But the hard knocks of life mess us up. It is often a long journey back. But it is a journey up, too. Back to innocent self-acceptance, but up in this messy world. With more tools and more understanding, we can secure a hard won self-acceptance re-entry in our adult lives.

Three beliefs have kept me going and led me back to being comfortable in my own skin. First, honor your body. Bless it; don’t curse it. It’s not perfect, but it has done some amazing things for you. Your body carries your whole life history. Give it some gratitude. Second, keep the candles burning. Keep hope alive. Seek out stories and people of kindness and examples of humanity helping each other. Cheer for the underdogs and help those you can. Third, nurture your own spirit. Do things that strengthen your inner peace. Time alone to reflect, pray, meditate, do yoga, walk, etc. is necessary to take care of inner self. The more authentic, peaceful, and self-accepting you are, the more compassion you can offer to others. And that is an empath’s super power – deep understanding, feeling, and compassion.

Empaths and highly sensitive people give much to others; now here is a prayer to remind you to honor and care for yourself. It is from a loving kindness meditation from Sita Chopra: May I be safe, May I be happy, May I be healthy, May I live with ease. She suggests saying these words to yourself several times through out the day. You wish these blessings for others, now extend them to yourself, too. Be comfortable in your own skin.

*Self-portrait is by Zinaida Serebriakova

 

 

 

Self-Care

Give Yourself a Break ~ Step Outside

July 1, 2018 by 0 Comments

It’s a tough time to be an empath and a highly sensitive person. So much unrest, anger, violence, and downright hatred in the world. We can’t help but feel the collective discord radiating from the masses, radiating from the news. Sometimes, these feelings that attach to us are overwhelming. Yet, we can’t turn a blind eye or a closed heart. It is not to our nature and not to our calling. Too much damage is being done in the world to too many people. We are called upon to respond with compassion and caring to those in need and to not feed the discord monster.

But give yourself a break. Empaths and HSPs can’t turn off emotions, but we can take a break from their impact to replenish ourselves. How? Step outside. Seek out a retreat in the great outdoors. Nature will give you the break that you need. 

Nature is a giver. (Kinda like you – but magnified!) It is vast in its wealth with gifts for the senses and the soul. Just breathing the air outside (and away from other people) will help you regain your center and your balance. Just seeing the beauty that we are given (without even asking) when nature surrounds us can help us to remember that yes, there is beauty in the world, and most of it is not manmade. Hearing the sounds of nature (for me, especially water sounds) are calming, peaceful, and rhythmic. Nature takes its time, and walking in nature can help you adjust your own inner rhythm. Nature will envelop and embrace us, if we only let it.

So when you can’t take it anymore, retreat from Man’s world, and return to Mother Nature’s. Step outside. Right yourself away from the fray by going into the forest, up the mountain, on the beach, by the waterfall, you pick! Nature will always welcome you back to her lap.

“Forget not that the earth delights to feel your bare feet and the winds long to play with your hair.”                  ~ Khalil Gibran

 

Compassion

Acknowledge the Darkness to Return to the Light

June 24, 2018 by 0 Comments

I survived this. The unimaginable. I will show you. I will tell you. If I could bear it, can you bear the telling of it? It was bad. And people need to know. Someone needs to know. What happened to me. How helpless we were. What happened to us. I will tell you. ~

Refugees and immigrants are presented on the nightly news in group pictures. They are presented as a collective. But have you ever met one? Have you talked to someone who had to flee their home? Have you looked in their eyes as they looked back at you with the hope that you will understand? With the hope that you will acknowledge what they have been through because the telling is a part of the healing? And they need to heal. Telling stories of darkness help return us to the light. So given the chance, listen.

I have been told ~ We were hiding in the forest, and we had to be very quiet. My children. I had a baby. I had to give the baby opium. She had to be quiet. We were hiding. She died.

I have been told ~ My grandmother was run over by a motorcycle. A soldier on a motorcycle. She died. There was nothing we could do.

And this ~ We had to work in the rice paddies. All day. I was pregnant. I had the baby in the toilet. I was yelling and yelling for help.

And this ~ Here is a video they sent me. I want you to watch it so you see what happened. You can see my country and the dead people. I saw some soldiers put a head in a sack and play soccer with it. (As told to me by a 10 year old boy.)

This too ~ It was worse than this! (Watching “The Killing Fields” with a group of Cambodians.) It was so much worse than this. 

All of these people survived tragedy. And their telling of it is part of the survival. This is what happened to me and to mine. Can I still be okay? Will you understand? When we listen, we take a very small piece of the burden from survivor’s shoulders, and we help them begin to heal….to begin to come out of the darkness and to see the light. Seeing a human face on suffering extends our humanity, extends our compassion. I see you. You matter. Your story matters.

Affirmation

Practical Dreamers

June 15, 2018 by 0 Comments

It is interesting that we call something good a “dream,” but being called a “dreamer” is somewhat of a putdown.
Without dreamers, no dream would ever be given reality, and we would live in a very small and shallow world.
If you are a secret dreamer, it’s your time to announce yourself.
~ Vera Nazarian, The Perpetual Calendar of Inspiration

Head in the clouds, yes. But we may be looking for rainbows where others can’t see them. We’ve got great and vivid imaginations. Our gift is to see the storms of light and the glow of light in ourselves and in others. All the time. Empaths are born dreamers.

As sensitive children, it can be tough. We feel buffeted around by the emotions of others around us, but we don’t know that yet. Sensitive and empathic children may be climbers or runners or readers or dancers or musicians or you name it. Whatever takes you up and away from the onslaught of emotions surrounding a child in their family, with their friends, or in school. Sensitive children need a reliable outlet for escape to express the swirls inside that they are feeling. So we are great daydreamers.

And adolescents. We can be emotional junkies. Seeking intense experiences, often with a sign on our backs. We may end up in places that we never planned on going to. A lot. The highs are high and the lows are low, and we begin to learn about boundaries. We recognize that we seem to have some healing energies that others may not have. We seem secret dreamers longing for a better world.

We can become practical dreamers. As adults, empaths have seen, felt, and experienced enough to understand ruin and heartache, but also hope and healing. And we want the latter for our children, our friends, our world. We stubbornly hold on to hope. Empaths have the job and the destiny to hold hope out for others too. (We often work in the helping professions.) We know your feelings, and we will hold your hand and bear witness for you as you re-group and re-dream.

Practical dreamers with one foot in the world and one in the clouds. Yes, indeed.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Connection

I Want Something Just Like This

June 10, 2018 by 0 Comments

End of the year work party. Outside, late afternoon slips into June’s dusky twilight. We congregate in small groups in lawn chairs. Sharing and caring before we drift off into summer activities. And I am thinking of the lyrics “I want something just like this….”

I’ve spent the evening listening to stories. And in so doing, work friends have become just friends. I am amazed how it’s possible to see someone every day but still know so little about them. People gravitate towards empaths with their war stories and with their heartaches. And we listen. We listen hard. We listen open. We see the wounds that will turn into scars. I hear the story of the woman who had 3 miscarriages before her child was born. I hear the story of the woman with the alcoholic father who she rarely sees and how she nurtures her children with food from their garden, and they bake in the kitchen together. I talk with the woman whose old dog is dying, and she worries about his pain. I talk to the man who is very ill, and we both know that this will be his last work party. And all of these heartaches get released into the cool evening air as I listen and we connect. And I keep thinking, “I want something just like this….”

When people tell you their stories, they give you a gift. A very personal gift of trusting you with something personal and important. The key for an empath is to let them be them and let you be you. You will feel their feelings, but don’t own them. They are not yours to take on. You can share in the moment and forge a deep connection. Take it in, but don’t take it away. Honor the telling. Honor the told. Part of healing is telling your story. It leads to resiliency. Empaths aid healing and resiliency. What better calling is there than that? So “I want something just like this….”

I’ve been reading books of old
The legends and the myths
Achilles and his gold
Hercules and his gifts
Spiderman’s control
And Batman with his fists
And clearly I don’t see myself upon that list
But she said, where’d you wanna go?
How much you wanna risk?
I’m not looking for somebody
With some superhuman gifts
Some superhero
Some fairytale bliss
Just something I can turn to
Somebody I can kiss
I want something just like this
                     ~ Coldplay, The Chainsmokers

 

 

Advocacy

Be Stubborn

June 3, 2018 by 0 Comments

“I know of no higher fortitude than stubbornness in the face of overwhelming odds.” ~ Louis Nizer

Stubborn. Iron-willed. Strong-willed. Difficult. My mother would hurl these words at me in my childhood. And I would think, so what? I liked being stubborn because it kept me in good stead. It was quiet defiance. It was self preservation. It helped me stay me. Determined. Persevering. Goal oriented. Eyes on the prize. And I learned young, that moving forward and overcoming obstacles takes a creative force of will and stubborn laser focus.

“You can change your mind, but you can’t change me….” ~ Jim Croce

Stubbornness is an advantage to an empath. In spades. Stubbornness helps us not to lose ourselves, especially in times of conflict. We quietly stick to our guns. We listen to what you have to say. We may disagree with you. But if you come at us with forceful aggression or self-righteousness with all of its negative energy, we will we retreat into stubbornness. We know what we know. We may stop arguing, but never take that as a sign that we are in agreement with you (if we haven’t said so).

“People think I am strong….I am not strong.There is a difference between a strong person and a stubborn person who just won’t put her sword down. I am the latter. Again and again and again. Pick the sword up, pick the sword up, pick the sword up….” ~ C. Joybell C.

The sword is our determination for the truth. Stubbornness is a useful trait for this quest. Stubbornness seeks the truth. Doggedness just won’t let go when we want to know. And empaths can’t abide liars. Don’t lie to us. We will see through your smokescreen. We will feel your emotional energies. We we will get to the heart of the matter with or without you. I can be as stubborn as the day is long.

You may not equate being stubborn with having hope, but I do. Hope never gives up. Just like stubbornness.

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: You don’t give up.” ~ Anne Lamott

Hold on. Persevere. Be stubborn.

Compassion - Hope

It Mattered to That One

May 27, 2018 by 0 Comments

A child teaches us that we can always make a difference:

“One day an old man was walking along the beach. It was low tide, and the sand was littered with thousands of stranded starfish that the water had carried in and then left behind.

The man began walking very carefully so as not to step on any of the beautiful creatures. Since the animals still seemed to be alive, he considered picking some of them up and putting them back in the water, where they could resume their lives.

The man knew the starfish would die if left on the beach’s dry sand but he reasoned that he could not possibly help them all, so he chose to do nothing and continued walking.

Soon afterward, the man came upon a small child on the beach who was frantically throwing one starfish after another back into the sea. The old man stopped and asked the child, “What are you doing?”

“I’m saving the starfish,” the child replied.

“Why waste your time?… There are so many you can’t save them all so what does is matter?” argued the man.

Without hesitation, the child picked up another starfish and tossed the starfish back into the water… “It matters to this one,” the child explained.”   (as told by Loren Eiseley on All-Creatures.Org)

This story is timeless for we see ourselves in the man, the child, and the starfish (both the forgotten and the rescued). The man is old and cynical. He knows that he can’t change the world for all, so he gives up. The child is hopeful and determined. The child will help all that s/he can and know that the help matters. The starfish have been washed up on shore by the waves of life. They will die without help from another or without the luck of high tide. Either way, they are currently unable to control their fates.

We are all of them. Yet, we can clearly see the truth of the story. If you were one starfish, wouldn’t you want to be helped and put back in the ocean? And wouldn’t you want to be the child helping all of the starfish that he could? The child shows the old man that hope is eternal. Never give up; never give in. Hope with action is our refuge, our duty, and I would argue it’s our natural humanity.

 

Self-Discovery

Empath, Free Spirit

May 20, 2018 by 0 Comments

Empaths are free spirits. We are born with the emotional capacity to soar. When you feel things so deeply, you can transcend yourself and get carried away to another place. But since the carrying away is happening inside, others may have no idea where you are. We are quiet rebels. We can escape internally at any given moment. That’s one of our super powers. Our emotions are invisible to others as our frequencies may be vibrating to the skies.  But we may have to get away from you to soar. (Sorry, but you can really pull us down.)

Our free spirited nature is apparent from the beginning. Our parents may say that we weren’t the easiest children to raise. My mother told me many times, “I hope that you have a child who was just like you.” (This was not a compliment.) And of course I replied defiantly, “So do I!” You see, free spirits are kind by nature, but not compliant. We push those boundaries because those boundaries are not our concern. Experience and emotion is what motivates us, not tradition or rules.

Empath children are children in motion. Did you literally try to fly? I was always jumping off retaining walls and car roofs trying to get up, up, up. Dancing, jumping, twirling, kicking, add your own. I think that we try to match our outside bodies with our internal emotions.

And that just escalates in adolescence. It’s a raw time for empaths as we may be emotional experience junkies for a while. My outlet was loud concerts in altered states, and quiet moments with long novels. (Kind of a yin/yang adolescent approach to escaping the mundane or cruel world.) It is a reckless time for us and a time when we have to learn so others don’t suck us dry. Not all rebels are nice.

Freedom is important to empaths. This carries into adulthood. Yes, we are born nurturers and we make  good spouses and parents. We are team players at work too. But don’t be fooled, first and foremost we are free thinkers, free spirits, and happy wanderers. Freedom of thought and emotion is our way, the only ways, for an empath to live their lives.

Can “You Feel It Still”?

“Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now
I’ve been feeling it since 1966, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still
Ooh woo, I’m a rebel just for kicks, now
Let me kick it like it’s 1986, now
Might be over now, but I feel it still
Might’ve had your fill, but I feel it still”

~ Portugal