Joy

Where’s Your Joy for Holidays?

December 9, 2018 by 0 Comments

“A great feeling of delight and happiness.” <-Definition of joy (Google). Yet, everyone’s joy is different. What gives me joy may not give you joy  – and vice versa. Holidays are a time when how we see joy is magnified. How we see not joy is also magnified. The skill is finding what brings you joy and doing that, and knowing what does not bring you joy and not doing that. Three lessons learned about joy for the holidays ->

Lesson 1 – Worn out people do not feel joy. They just feel tired, overwhelmed, and often resentful during the holiday season. So don’t be a worn out person. Take care of yourself. Sleep, eat, do something just for you, and then do all those other things that you are supposed to do. Remember that peace is supposed to be part of the holiday experience too.

Lesson 2 – Ignore the commercials. Those people are acting – and getting paid for it. It’s not real people being really happy from real experiences and real presents. The premise of every commercial is carefully studied and marketed to get their biggest bang from your buck. Yes, there are some good tearjerkers, and it’s human to relate to those moments. You just don’t have to run out to buy “the thing.” You will have those special moments anyway.

Lesson 3 – Get to the heart of the matter. Bring heart and happiness to yourself and others by spreading joy by doing things that bring you joy and then sharing those things with others. Like baking? Share your yummies with others. Like decorating? Have gatherings in your home. Like music? Play or sing with others. Like shopping? Send gifts near and far. Like contributing? Give time and/or money to charities . Like travel? Spend time with those you love in a new locale. The key is doing what YOU like, not what others think that you should like. Limit obligations and set your own agenda.

“True happiness comes from the joy of deeds well done.” (Antoine de Saint-Exupery) So find your holiday bliss. Do well, be happy, spread joy, and light it up this season.

 

 

Hope

When Time Stops

December 2, 2018 by 0 Comments

“Bad things happen fast, but we live through them slow.” ~ C. Corinthos

It’s in the aftermath of a tragic event that life takes on slow motion. Because sometimes things that happen are so big and so terrible, and they hurt so bad, that we just can’t process them all at once. We have to learn to adjust. Slowly. One day at a time.

Sometimes it’s day by day, or it may be hour by hour, or even minute by minute. When we think, how can I survive what happened? How will my life ever be normal again? We know damn sure that it won’t be the same. Because tragedy changes you. You will not be the same as you were before. Time will mark before and after. It’s a slow road back.

I’ve been thinking about this after a friend sent me an article saying that many empaths have survived childhood trauma. You? she wonders. Yes, me, too I reply.  I’ve read several articles about this. We seem to have this experience in spades. For myself, someone intentionally tried to extinguish my inner light. It was a bad thing that happened fast. And this emotional scarring as a child has led me to seek out healers and healing. And my empathic traits expanded exponentially. It’s like I was lifted out of myself for something more.

This poem by Constantine Peter Cavafy is on my desk. He says that our journey is hard, but our strength and resilience can see us through. It’s a reminder to us to keep moving forward and to not let the monsters of our past determine our future. It was a favorite of Jackie Kennedy Onassis who survived tremendous public tragedy, and it was read at her funeral.

As you set out in search of Ithaka,                                                                                                              pray that your journey is long,                                                                                                                        full of adventures, full of awakenings.                                                                                                            Do not fear the monsters of old…                                                                                                                You will not meet them in your travels                                                                                                             if your thoughts are exalted and remain high,                                                                                                  if authentic passions stir in your mind, body and spirit.                                                                               You will not encounter fearful monsters                                                                                                           if you do not carry them within your soul,                                                                                                        if your soul does not set them up in front of you.

 

 

Connection

You’re One of My Kind

November 25, 2018 by 0 Comments

When we come across someone we have an instant connection with, we recognize us in them and them in us. We stop in our tracks and take notice. Uh -huh. You’re one of my kind. Kismet. Destiny. Fate that we are meeting at this time on this path. Confirmation and reassurance that we are okay or that we will be okay.

It’s the understanding without having to explain. It’s the I get who you are, and you get who I am. It’s the we don’t know each other, but oh, we know each other. It’s the handshake that shifts into a warm embrace. It’s the saying much with very few words. It’s the you too a-ha moment for reasons of tragedy or for reasons of joy.

Empaths and highly sensitive people have this experience with more frequency. Because we are wired to be open to it. We see you and feel you. It makes our connection faster and more intense. It makes emotional connection under the right circumstances possible with a near stranger.

It’s like being a chameleon. In a good way. Some chameleons have the ability to change color as a form of social signaling or a reaction to their environment. They are Old World Lizards with the ability to see differently from most other animals. Empaths and highly sensitive people are also highly aware of their environments and often see things in a different way. Our form of blending is connecting to those near us. If we could change color as a badge of empathy, we would.

We are who we are. A chameleon can’t change that fact that it’s a chameleon. Same with us. Again, we are who we are. In a shared environment, we may share our true colors and our true stories. And like a chameleon, our connection with another may be brief but will transform us brilliantly.

 

Healing

When You Gotta Say I’m Sorry

November 18, 2018 by 0 Comments

“I need to be kindest to the man I love most in the world.” My thoughts the day after arguing. I teach kindness, but I wasn’t so kind to my guy last night. I made the wrong choice to be impatient, to be dismissive, to be unkind. Words were exchanged. Doors were closed. Feelings were hurt. And I felt our negative energy all night long. Was it worth it? No. Definitely no.

Arguments between significant others are often spontaneous displays of different agendas. I need this right now, but you want that right now. But I don’t care what you need or want right now. Aren’t you even listening to what I am saying? Something like that sound familiar? We all fall into that trap. Especially when we are tired or overwhelmed. Especially when we are working with little time left and little energy left. I would wager that most arguments like these happen at the end of a long day.

I am not at my best when I am exhausted. So what to do? (I do not live alone and I won’t be left alone.) You can own it. Affirm to yourself that you are tired and may be easily annoyed. Tell yourself not to engage in conflict (unless it is about something extremely important). Take some breaths and count or bite your tongue. Why? Because the fallout from an unimportant argument will be worse for you, oh sensitive one. You will feel bad for the rest of the night. Oh, and you will feel your partner’s bad. That’s double bad. Who wants to feel double bad?

If you’ve read my page for awhile, you will know that I love sunrises. Dawn is beautiful. Light, hope, and love return with each day. And we often see things more clearly in the morning. Begin the day with an honest apology. Extend the olive branch. Because really, you love this person more than anything, and this person loves you just as much. So tell them with an I’m sorry.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advocacy

Grace Under Pressure

November 11, 2018 by 0 Comments

Ernest Hemingway said “Courage is grace under pressure.” He meant stand your ground and be guided by grace. He meant keep your cool when others around you are losing theirs. He meant show courteous good will in troubling times and hardship. He meant show others how to lead with graceful courage.

What has happened to “grace under pressure”? It appears often absent these days. But I think it IS still with us. It doesn’t seek the limelight because that is not its purpose. Its purpose is to be steadfast and surefooted. It stands in sharp contrast to the bullish opinions seizing our media that are rushed out every day without thought or care. “Grace under pressure” requires calm and thought. It requires careful consideration and not quick name calling. It requires self-control and composure.

Many do follow the “grace under pressure” guide. They know it takes practice and lots of it. They are those who retain their composure in the midst of conflict and stress. They are those who know who they are and what they can do under challenging circumstances.

They may be on the public stage or on a private one. They are the athletes who stand up after they fall and keep coming back. They are the statesman who consistently put their citizens needs first and foremost. They are the nurses who calm the frightened. They are the friends who stay through the storms. They are you and me. They are us.

Think of a time when you showed strength that you did not even know you had, and you used that strength to help in a crisis. You were fully present. You rallied the troops, you held the hand, you calmed the scared, you rose to the occasion.You were showing grace under pressure. We all have this amazing ability inside of us. We need to honor it, develop it, and use it.

Self-Care

A Peaceful Heart Stays Clean

November 4, 2018 by 0 Comments

Strong? Yes. Dumping grounds? No.

We all have broken parts, and compassion for others helps with the healing process. But there are persons who will deliberately and continually take advantage of empaths’ and sensitives’ compassion and empathy. Some people call them energy vampires, but I think of them as dump trucks. It took me a long time to figure out why. When a distraught person is near an empath, we will take on their emotions, help carry the burden so to speak. Emotionally chaotic people will feel some relief JUST BY BEING AROUND YOU. And the more negative emotions they dump on you, the better they feel. So they will want to be around you. A LOT.

Perfect description of this is “a crush of want.” (Nick Cave). When I heard this, I thought, yes, yes, yes. That is exactly what it feels like. Because the want is never ending for some people. It feels suffocating, and if we don’t get out of the way, the dumping will crush us.  If I take your pain on as my pain whenever I’m near you, guess what? I can’t be near you. I have my own wounds to heal.

Empaths are strong. We can handle a lot of emotion. All kinds. But we need to set boundaries to keep the dump trucks out of our environments. They are skilled at demanding our attention as they rattle into the room. I feel no match. So I step away. I refuse to be the garbage dump. We are at cross purposes, so I will cross you out of my life as much as possible. I will not invite you into my home, and if I meet you, it will be on neutral ground. And I will give myself time to recover after time spent with you. The less of a host a become for you, the less of a parasite you will be, and eventually, you will go looking for another dumping ground.

My children helped me clear my environment of dump trucks. That was my turning point. My energy shift. I wanted my energy to go to them. It was up to me to create a peaceful family environment. I made it clear that my children would always come first, and the dump trucks slowly but steadily paraded away.

Do I still take on other people’s emotions? Yes, of course. It is part of who I am and who I will always be. Born this way. But I recognize who I need to stand back from. No one wants to be a dumpster.

 

 

Affirmation

What Is Success?

October 28, 2018 by 0 Comments

To laugh often and much

to win the respect of intelligent people

and the affection of children;

to earn the appreciation of honest critics

and endure the betrayal of false friends;

to appreciate beauty,

to find the best in others;

to leave the world a bit better,

by a healthy child, a garden patch,

or a redeemed social condition;

to know even one life breathed easier

because you have lived.

That is to have succeeded.

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

Optimism

Optimism

October 21, 2018 by 0 Comments

“Optimism is the foundation of courage.” This was written by a man who was born during the American Civil War and died shortly after WWII. Imagine the hardship and discord that this man saw in his lifetime. And still, he managed to forge ahead in his time and win the Nobel Peace Prize in his day. We still look to that brief statement by Nicholas M. Butler for hope.

In times of adversity, optimism is a conscious choice. It is a courageous action and a courageous attitude. Google defines optimism as “1. hopefulness and confidence about the future successful outcome of something” and “2. the belief that good must ultimately prevail over evil in the universe.”

Optimism is not blind ignorance, nor is it a light hearted decision. Pessimism is not blind hatred, nor is it a permanent mindset. People will argue with you about this. Name callers will call optimists “fools.” Name callers will call pessimists “downers.” And then some. But we don’t need to label ourselves into one of these two categories FOREVER. We can think about it and decide. Faith and reflection are required for this kind of clarity. We need to choose how we want to think and how we want to live.

Let me give you an example. My mother called herself a pessimist. She told me her first thought every morning when she opened her eyes in bed was “I’m still here.” She explained that she was surprised that she didn’t somehow die during the night. (Note that she believed this when she was healthy.) Now an optimist could think the exact same thought “I’m still here” with a different mindset. “I’m still here” could mean that I am grateful for another day to live in this world.

In these days of great adversity in the world, we need more optimists. How to shift our thinking when we are deeply discouraged by the state of affairs? Take a break from the news. Take positive actions to make a difference. Avoid complainers. Listen to inspiring music. Read inspiring stories. Watch inspiring Ted Talks by real inspiring people. Follow the underdogs. Get enough sleep. Eat well. Exercise well. Tell your fears and worries to a supportive friend. Be a positive role model to children. Rise up with hope.Have faith.

Optimism is the choice to shine your light. Realism is that some days it will shine brighter than others. Faith is knowing that your light is forever present to share with others. Like a sunrise.

Sports

Playoffs and Championships, Here Here

October 14, 2018 by 0 Comments

Sports inspired empathic feelings? What’s the connection? Actually, a pretty strong one.  Especially during playoff season. I’m a playoffs person. Love championships. You may say that I am a fair-weather friend. Not a true fan. Everyone loves a winner. Yep, that’s true. But there are reasons why.

First, there is the practical side. “True fans” need a lot of time to watch tv or attend live events. Like many working parents, I just don’t have it. Play-offs season and championships are short blocks of time, and events are later at night or on weekends.

Second, there is the emotional draw. Very big for an empath or highly sensitive person. We can feel the excitement tenfold, and it is very energizing. It is satisfying to absorb all the hopeful and happy energy of the competition. It is wonderful to feel the optimism of the fans.

Third, there are the backstories. Surrounding playoff games and championships are the human stories of the athletes. We learn about the diversity of human experience. And with top athletes, there is almost always an undercurrent of hope and of overcoming adversity. It seldom is an easy or straight line to the top of one’s game. Endurance, stamina, and courage are the hallmarks of great athletes in any sport.

And last, and most important, are the underdogs. Empaths and HSPs love the underdogs. We acknowledge them. We cheer for them. They are our favorite heroes and our favorite champions. Because they make the impossible possible. Many of them are athletes, and many of their stories get told during the play-offs and championship season. They inspire us to never give up and never give in. They dream big, and we know that dreaming big is a firm belief in hope. And we are all about hope.

We may not be typical fans, but we are fans nonetheless. The how they got there stories draw us in. The accomplishments make us say wow. Amazing. Empaths and HSPs see the strong spirit of hope and determination (often against all odds) in many athletes. So, bring it on, baby.

Inspiration

You’re One in a Million and More

October 7, 2018 by 0 Comments

You’re one in a million. Actually you’re 1 of 7,655,041,631 people in the world as of 8:30 AM on Sunday, October 7, 2018. If you live in the U.S., you are 1 of 327,390,653. If you don’t believe me, go and look up the population of the world or of a specific country in real time on the world population clock at http://www.worldometers.info/world-population/  

So when you’re feeling not so special, think about this. Scientists estimate that the odds of you being born are 1 in 400 trillion. Yep, 1 in 400 trillion!! (I don’t even need to cite this statistic because it is so widely believed and noted by many scientists.)

Still not sure how unique you are? Here are 4 stats from Ted Talks speaker and HuffPost Life contributing author Mel Robbins on the probability of being born:

  1. Probability of your parents meeting:  1 in 20,000
  2. Probability of your parents meeting resulting in the birth of a child/you:  1 in 2,000
  3. Probability of the right sperm meeting the right egg: 1 in 400 quadrillion
  4. Probability of your ancestors having reproduced successfully: 1 in 10.
  5. https://www.huffpost.com/entry/probability-being-born_b_877853.

So why does this matter? Because you matter. It took a miracle to get you here. And we forget that. We forget how the odds were stacked against us even being created. Yet, here we are. We are the ones who made it on a wing and a prayer. We got the opportunity to come into this world. We were born. We are living and breathing miracles.

So what are you going to do with your time here? Of course, that is the big question that will continue to haunt us. This question does not have one answer, but it has many. And the answers change over time. But the guiding principle is the same – make the most of our time here. Life itself is an improbable gift. Give back as much as you can. Be present. Eyes wide open. Be loving. Embrace others. Be kind. Extend a helping hand. Be adventurous. Go see the world. Be curious. Learn as much as you can. Be grateful. Grow your faith and your spirit. Be healthy. Treat your body well. Be the best you that you can be. Just Be.