Love

Mother Love Liberates

May 13, 2018 by 0 Comments

My mother often didn’t understand me, but she still let me be me. And that is the gift that she gave me. She did not try to define me. She let me define myself.

Imagine a small child riding her tricycle as fast as she could down the steep driveway straight into the street until a passerby stopped his car to let her mother know what she was doing. Imagine a slightly older child defending her slightly older sister by saying to the bully “I have something for you,” and then mashing a snowball in his face and running like hell. An older girl, crying to her teacher and saying that no, she couldn’t kill insects and stick them on pins for science class. A teenager hopping the bus to NYC with her friends to attend wild concerts. A young woman moving miles away and then more miles away for school, for love, for work, to find her own destiny.

Independent or willful? Overactive or energetic? Passionate or overly emotional? Spirited or reckless? Yes, yes, yes, and yes. I was. My mother admired my spirit, but it scared her too. She wasn’t sure where it would take me….perhaps to places she wouldn’t go. But she let me go anyway. She encouraged me to follow my star by stepping out of the way.

I am thinking about my mother, and myself as a mother, on this prelude to Mother’s Day. No other relationship starts in the womb closer than close, but often ends with many miles apart. We grow them, and then we let them grow.

My mother is gone 5 years now. We loved each other, but we didn’t always get each other. And when I look at my own children, I try to embrace her view. I may not always understand their choices, but I recognize that they are theirs to make. They are already journeying away from me to become more of themselves. And I remember Maya Angelou’s words on how a mother’s love liberates:

“Love liberates, It doesn’t just hold – that’s just ego. Love liberates. It doesn’t bind. Love says, ‘I love you. I love you if you’re in China. I love you if you’re across town. I love you if you’re in Harlem. I love you. I would like to be near you. I’d like to have your arms around me. I’d like to hear your voice in my ear. But that’s not possible now, so I love you. Go.”

 

Self-Care

You Don’t Have to Open Every Door that Knocks

May 6, 2018 by 0 Comments

It was our first night home from the hospital with our first child. And my first husband left and went out to a concert with his friends. Crazy, huh? The problem is at the time, I accepted it as not crazy. I justified it by saying he wants to go more than I don’t want him to go. So I swallowed the hurt, and he went. And I stayed home alone with a crying newborn. This kind of behavior was mine for many years with a handful of people close to me. Their emotions and wants trumped mine. Every time. Didn’t know what was happening. Didn’t know I was an empath.

Empaths are emotional chameleons by nature. A young empath will unknowingly blend into others. They will take on other’s emotions as theirs. They may see other’s desires as paramount to theirs. A more experienced empath will recognize that they CAN blend with someone else, but will make some conscious choices for each situation. They will know someone’s feelings and experiences but not OWN them. They will not let your desires overwhelm their own.

An empath needs to learn not to open the door to everyone who knocks and not to say yes to everyone’s  demands. This is hard for an empath, as we are full of compassion and consideration. Yet, empaths are not here to be the welcome wagon for emotional upheaval and unfinished business. We are here to help others find their own lights, but not to give them ours. So don’t fling open the door. Proceed with some caution. Take a quick sensory check. Trust your intuition. You don’t have to invite everyone into your heart – even if they really, really, really want you to. You do have choices.

Intensity and empaths. We thrive on intensity. Intense people. Intense music. Intense conversations. Intense sex. Intense experiences. We take on intense demands, and we like being intensely wanted and needed. It is intoxicating for an empath. Intimate connection is great, but make sure there is an exchange of energy. Don’t give yours all away. Share intense experiences, but don’t get run over.  No one wants tire tracks on their faces/hearts. Learn to balance intense connection with others with intense peace and quiet for yourself.

New to understanding yourself as an empath? Seek information. I especially like reading Judith Orloff. You don’t have to hold the crying baby forever.

 

 

 

Encouragement

Empath With Intention

April 29, 2018 by 0 Comments

Awareness ~ Acceptance ~ Intention.

Living with intention means living with focus for the higher good of yourself and others. Living with intention is being completely authentic in and completely present to life. It is saying yes to the greater good at any given moment. ( And it is also saying no to that which harms you or others.) It is vibrating up even when the world tries to knock you down. It is knowing who you are, what gifts you can share, and how you can continue to grow.

Before we can live with intention, we need self-understanding  – part self-awareness, part self-acceptance. What does that look like for an empath? Of course, everyone has their own singular experiences, but the big takeaways would be the same. (Different paths, same world.) Know who your are. Know what it means to be an empath. Then push past knowing to self-acceptance. This is a little tougher, especially when emotional connection and emotional depth are often undervalued in society. Value it anyway. That is our super power. Shine like a lighthouse. You were born for it.

Intention is defined:

1: a determination to act in a certain way : resolve
2: import, significance
3a : what one intends to do or bring about
b : the object for which a prayer or pious act is offered
4: a process or manner of healing of incised wounds
                                                   (Merriam- Webster)
Yes, yes, yes, and yes. Our determination will reflect what is important to us. We will validate and see the significance of our own and others’ emotions and connect to bring about change and healing (for ourselves and others). We understand the power and process of healing wounds; move through it without letting it envelop you. We can help you. We can show you by example. We can be present for you.
The world is a better place with you in it. Get clarity. See yourself and your gifts. Walk through the world with intention. One connection at a time . . . .

 

 

Hope

We Do Because We Must

April 22, 2018 by 0 Comments

How do you right yourself when there is so much wrong in the world? That’s my million dollar question these days. How do we continue to spread healing, hope, and light (kinda the empath’s mission) in this world without being crushed by its meanness? How do we get up each day to face the onslaughts against compassion and unity and continue to have hope for humanity?

We do because we must.

We can start our days by giving healing, hope, and light to ourselves. Light a candle, say a prayer, watch the sunrise. Do yoga stretches, listen to quiet music, take a walk, do whatever centers you. Feed your body well. How we start our days affects how we will handle the day’s energy. Feel peace, be peace, give peace.

We can control our input. In these days of news and social media, we get to decide what stories we feed our brains. Choose well. There are MANY choices out there. Don’t fall in to the top news stations. Empaths are very sensitive to visuals, and horrific videos and photos will have us in knots and despair in seconds. Reading the news is better for us. Through social media outlets, we can also choose sites that send us stories of help and hope throughout the world.

We can go out in nature. Nature is always a source of hope. Appreciate your corner of the world and take care of it. Times when we can’t get outside, we can drink in nature photos right on our computers or plan our next getaway to a beautiful place. When you feel the Earth suffering, crying, bleeding, do what you can to protect it. Donate. Speak up. Show up. Vote. Share. Give thanks for its bounty.

We can surround ourselves with those who want to better the world, not condemn it. Light givers, not light extinguishers. Hope breeds hope, so hang out and work with hopeful people as much as possible. And children. Spend time with children. Children are full of light, energy, and hope. And pets. Pets are in the moment no grudge holders who are delighted just to be in your presence. Bask in their glow.

Hope is what keeps us from falling into the abyss. Hope may seem like a sunset – beautiful and brilliant and slowly disappearing. Yet, hope is also a beautiful and wondrous sunrise – and it always returns.

 

 

Self-Care

Hear the Quiet

April 15, 2018 by 0 Comments

“Hear that?” “What?” “The quiet.” [We listen. I sigh.] “Isn’t it wonderful?” We have this conversation periodically in our household. It’s a reminder to me to welcome the peace that is reflected in the silence. Because quiet makes you slow down and take notice. I breathe it in every chance that I get. It is restorative. Quiet reminds you to check in with yourself, to check in with your life. And for the empath, it gives you the opportunity to separate from the energy of others. Quiet has its own energy, and it offers us a much welcomed respite from the cacophony of others.

Quiet…. is a gateway to tranquility, healing and restoration, offers real physical benefits. It induces a mind-body connection that’s been demonstrated to relax muscles, lower anxiety and pain, and enhance one’s overall sense of control and well being. And all spiritual disciplines embrace it as the pathway to the divine, whether through silent meditation, prayer, chants or visual imagery. (Suzanne Clores, Feb. 2, 2012, The Benefits of Quiet for Body, Mind, and Spirit, nextavenue.org)

So we know that quiet is beneficial for health, but how can we find some in our daily lives on a regular basis? Expand the definition and location of quiet. There are different kinds of quiet, and yours may look different from mine, and ours may look different on any given day. I like to think of quiet as on a spectrum – you have to find the right one at the right time (but seek it, you must!). There is the stillness of quiet found in meditation and prayer. There is the beauty of quiet found in a walk through nature, perhaps with your dog. There is the silent gaze of love at your beloved when words are not necessary. There is the momentary escape into silence when the parent hides in the bathroom to regroup from the demands of parenting. There is the silent, active hiker, bike rider, and runner. There is the quiet reader, the peaceful baker, the solitary writer, the contemplative tea sipper, and the list goes on.

Our methods may be different, but no matter how we experience quiet during our days, it will be restorative. So, play with your opportunities for quiet, and see which give you the most benefit. And remember, quiet is a sound. Enjoy it!

Self-Discovery

Empath ~ the Outlier in Your Midst

April 8, 2018 by 0 Comments

Empaths are outliers hiding in plain sight. You don’t know about us (usually), but you do know us. We are your friend who hears your secrets, your family member who sees all sides, your co-worker who’s a good listener. We are your intense lover. We are your truth teller. We are your hand holder. You invite us in and ask us to stay; you want us with you, but you may not know why.

Empaths are insiders who are outsiders. We are the observers in a group who feel what others are feeling. Because we can “read people,” we contribute much to group dynamics, discussions, and decisions. Our emotional instincts guide us and others well. I’ve read that empaths make up 2 to 3% of the population which makes us outliers. (I think this is a better term than outsiders.)  An outlier is a person who differs from the other members of a particular group. Outliers are on the extreme fringe of something. And empaths are on the extreme end of the emotional spectrum.

So what’s it like being an emotional outlier? For me, I struggled with it for a long time. I didn’t understand how to walk the line between who I was and what I experienced. How could I be part of a group and true to how I felt? I made a lot of mistakes, and I got hurt a lot. I was criticized for being too sensitive. (I have Jersey roots, and Jersey girls are supposed to be tough!) I was told to stop crying when I felt overwhelmed. I slammed doors and listened to very loud music for emotional release. Lost and broken people gravitated toward me and depleted much of my inner strength.

It’s true that with age comes wisdom. For empaths, it’s usually wisdom learned from hard experiences. You learn to step away from that which harms you, and especially that which harms your children. You learn to stop offering yourself as a perennial sponge for any passing tentacles, and the tentacled creatures go away looking for other hosts. You learn your limits, and that you actually have them! You learn to accept and not just to give. You learn to honor yourself and live as an empath ~ an emotional outlier.

As we are, so we see. ~ William Blake

 

Inspiration

In Spring, Everything Is Full of Promise

April 1, 2018 by 1 Comment

Spring, oh I love you, Spring! Nature’s rebirth is our seasonal blessing! What joy to see your greenery once again! What happiness to breathe your fragrance once again! What contentment to hear your birds in the morning once again! What reassurance to feel your soft turf under our weary feet! Our senses come alive and we drink you in in big gulps of gratitude. For Spring is the season of hope and the season of promise. And I love it because it restores my soul through its resilient persistence. It always shows up.

So you may say that all seasons are special. All seasons are unique. True enough. But what other season brings back life? Only spring. It is our metaphor for the human condition. That hope will return.

Spring and hope are intertwined in the mind, body, and soul. In spring, nature conspires with biology and psychology to spark the basic needs that underlie hope: attachment, mastery, survival, and spirituality. It is true that hope does not melt away in the summer; it is not rendered fallow in autumn nor does it perish in the deep freeze of winter. But none of these other seasons can match the bounty of hope that greets us in the spring. (Anthony Scioli PhD, in Psychology Today, March 20, 2012)

Spring brings light. Light brings clarity. Light brings hope. Light brings healing. Spring, by example, inspires us to be whole and full and beautiful. To be our best and brightest selves. Spring pulls us out of the depths of our personal winters back into the light of hope – just like Persephone rising in Greek mythology from the Underworld every spring. We rejoice, we rejoice.

Louis Armstrong’s celebration of spring in his song “What a Wonderful World” says it all:

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And I think to myself what a wonderful world

Oh, yeah….

 

Hope

Hope for Ourselves

March 23, 2018 by 1 Comment

Empaths gravitate towards hope. That’s why people like to be around us. But what about hope for ourselves? What about that?

We are often so wrapped up with other people’s needs, wants, emotions, burdens, and desires, that we lose track of our own. And it’s dangerous to lose track of your own. When we have forgotten ourselves, we don’t grow and we don’t heal.

So why do we do that? Give all our healing energy away to others? Give all our compassion to others? I think it’s easier. Much easier to feel someone else’s wounds than our own. It’s an odd empath avoidance tactic. I’ll feel their wounds so that I don’t have to feel mine. The problem is that yours won’t go away.

Empaths often hover on this emotional bridge halfway between the walking wounded and the walking healed. And it is wearying to keep standing on that bridge swaying between two directions. Here’s the thing – I’m deciding I don’t want to be the walking wounded any more. I want to be the walking healed. Whole. Not fractured. Feeling. Not cut off. Fearless. Not hiding. I don’t want to be the terrified little girl cowering beside the toilet anymore. My back is tired of being bowed. My knees are tired of crouching down. My arm is tired of hiding my face. My scales have tipped.

To be whole, you have to have hope for yourself. To be whole, you have to face the truth of your past and your present. And this kind of clarity is hard and sometimes scary, and it often comes at a tipping point. When we can’t not do it anymore, then we face it. And I know that empaths are so brave for others. We need to be brave for ourselves. To do what it takes to stitch up that wound. (We know that scar tissue is stronger than skin. We will be stronger too.)

I’m finding a way. Or like what usually happens to me, the way is finding me. And I’ve been invited to get off that bridge by a guide to help me do it. We can learn to reclaim hope for ourselves. It won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. And YOU are so worth it. Take it from me. I know. I’m an empath.

 

 

 

Connection

When You Tell Your Story

March 18, 2018 by 0 Comments

We are all walking histories with stories to tell. Memorable stories. Meaningful stories. Heartfelt stories. Funny stories. Stories of family, of friends, of pets. Stories of missteps and misadventures. Stories of how our hearts broke and how they got repaired. Stories of lessons learned the hard way. Milestone stories that remain markers on our timelines.

Stories tell a history and let us make an instant connection. Stories dissolve walls. We can let down our guard when we tell our story (because we control the flow of information – how much, how little). And stories breed more stories. The listener may become the storyteller, and the roles may switch back and forth as we recognize, the oh, you too? connection with someone else. For we like to be unique but not singular. We are one of kind but have had many of the same experiences.

When you tell someone a story, you give them a gift, but you also get something in return. You get empathy and understanding. You get that someone gets it. And you may get some relief or peace just by the telling of it.

To illustrate, I will tell you my story of Mia Sophia, my first dog.  I got my first dog well into adulthood. My son was not talking by age 3, and we were very worried. The suggestion arose that a dog might help him with communication and talking – a therapy dog of sorts. So we researched breeds and bought an adorable Cairn terrier and named her Mia Sophia. Cairn terriers are small friendly dogs that will hold their ground. Well, to make a long story short, our son ignored the dog completely. And Mia Sophia ended up having epilepsy. So our “therapy dog” herself was quite sick. Are you laughing and crying at the same time? (We were.) If you’re a parent, you will connect with the worried part. If you were a late talker, you will connect with the speech part. If you’re the owner of an epileptic dog, you will connect with the seizures part. Etc. This story transitions to a deeper discussion, and a connection will be forged between two strangers having shared it.

The most poignant story I have ever read is also the shortest. In a contest to write a six word story, here’s the winner. (Sorry, don’t recall author’s name.) Baby shoes for sale, never worn. Ooh. Instant empathy.

 

 

Dreams

Dream Journey

March 11, 2018 by 0 Comments

I dream about paths, roads, bridges, and stairs. A lot. I am in motion – going somewhere or leaving somewhere. Often in haste. Sometimes alone. Sometimes with others. Usually there is some searching for someone or something involved. I often wake tired because it’s been a busy night. I’ve been traveling.

Dreams are a journey inward, so it’s no surprise that empaths and highly sensitive people would have an active dream life. We are working out the emotions of the day in full technicolor (although, sometimes I dream in black and white, too). And our dreams are vivid dreams. The setting may be surreal, but it feels very real at the moment. The people may be known or unknown, but we feel connected in some way to everyone that enters. The emotions evoked in the dream are strong. They will often stay with us in our waking lives.

So if we are traveling a lot in our dreams, what does it mean? Climbing stairs, crossing bridges, searching for the right road, finding the buried path? Add your own? A cursory search of dream meanings tells us this:

To walk through an open path in your dream signifies clarity of thought and peace of mind. It also symbolizes your progress. To see a blocked or windy path in your dream denotes that you need to give serious attention to the direction you are heading in life. (dreammoods.com)

A smooth, straight highway signifies inner peace, while a winding, bumpy road reflects emotional distress/disharmony. (dreammoods.com)

As in waking life, a bridge in dreams can be a point of connection – linking two places or things. It may also be a way to cross over an obstacle, like a river. Consider what the bridge is connecting and what it is traversing. (dreamscloud.com)

Stairs To dream that you are walking up a flight of stairs indicate that you are achieving a higher level of understanding. You are making progress into your spiritual, emotional or material journey. The dream is also analogous to material and thoughts that are coming to the surface. (dreammoods.com)

Paths, roads, bridges, and stairs in our dreams are all about connection. Connection with others, and connection with our deepest selves. We can literally explore through these symbols. Our unbridled unconscious is showing us the way. We are forever travelers.