When Faced With Uncertainty

The undercurrent of doubt is strong. Doubt takes you places that you don’t want to go, but sometimes can’t help going to. It whispers in our ear, “What if….,” “What if….,” “What if….,” It cycles a pattern, becomes a rhythmic drum beat. Doubt can chip away at our faith in humanity and our faith in just about anything or anyone. That’s what makes it dangerous. We can’t let strong currents of doubt numb us, or worse yet, drown us. Don’t let doubt pull you under.

“What if….” thoughts are normal as we weigh the odds. They can range in gravity from small to grand. “What if….”  thoughts are okay if they pass by us like waves. We acknowledge them, consider them, and move on. “What if….” thinking only becomes problematic when it morphs in chronic ripples of dread. A cycle that is stuck on repeat.  What if’s can stress us to the point of paralysis leaving us with the inability to respond or function. We don’t want to fall into a hopeless pit of worry.

In contrast to feeling anxiety and worry, we need to learn to tolerate some uncertainty in life. Worry is only one reaction to a challenging situation. There are other ways to respond as well. Another response to a “What if” scenario is to play it through in your mind. Every situation has more than one possible outcome. Imagine what could happen and how you would deal with it, and what resources and people you would have/need to help you. It’s also okay too to self distract – especially if you are waiting for “news” on a situation or condition. Go for a walk, listen to music, talk to a friend, read about a survivor who made it through what you may need to go through. Lift it up. Ask for strength. Reassure yourself that you are not alone.

Worry stems from an overwhelming feeling of powerlessness that has gotten stuck on rewind. We know that worry never solved nothin’. We need to shut down the replay and move forward the best that we can. One step at a time.

Stepping Back In Carefully

My family of origin. It’s been broken for a while. And now somebody is ill. Time to pick up the pieces. Time to show some compassion. But how? What to do?

First you gotta put the past behind you, and concentrate on the now. Woulda, coulda, shoulda doesn’t help right now. It’s not going to get fixed at this late date under these conditions, but if you reach out and build that bridge with compassion, it will get better.

Take it slow. If you can. As an empath or highly sensitive person, we feel everything. Conflicting emotions can be difficult and overwhelming. And exhausting. Step in, but take time to step out and rest. Don’t expect clarity at every moment. Do the best you can, and some days the best you can will be different than on other days.

Have a support system, but don’t tell everyone you know. We need to be able to confide in and process with a few trusted confidantes who won’t judge us. We want advice and suggestions, not judgment. We are already judging ourselves over years of family troubles, we don’t need any more.

Don’t get stuck. Forget how did it get this way. It did. Period. Time to accept and move on. And step in. Don’t wait to get dragged in. Stepping is easier than dragging, and it gives you more autonomy.

Do you have another family member who you can be brutally honest with? It is helpful to validate our feelings and thoughts with someone who shares our family history. Work through the mess together. Work through what needs to be done together. Pray and hold each other’s hand together.

Keep some boundaries. You have created a life outside of your family or origin. Keep it. Protect it. Do what you can, but don’t sacrifice what you have made.

Time shifts when someone is seriously ill, and you realize that you don’t have the luxury of figuring things out because you don’t have the luxury of time. We can use our time to move toward forgiveness. The ill person may be grateful that you are just showing up – and gratitude melts anger.

My family member doesn’t have good days anymore. No good days and bad days. There are bad days with good moments and bad moments. And my heart breaks for her and breaks for the family I thought I had many years ago before it shattered. So I remind myself that I am doing the best I can in this moment …. and so is she.

 

 

Take Off the Mask, I Can See You Anyway

It is very unnerving for an Empath or Highly Sensitive Person to be around a liar. To be lied to. To our face. Cuz we know it.

You see, your outside is not matching your inside when you lie to us. We can see beneath the mask. It is like a massive assault to our senses that is both hard to process and hard to recover from. Because the lying tells us to not believe what we feel, what we know to be true.

This is especially  confusing to empath children and HSPs. Because there is a lot of dishonesty in the world. That we are supposed to ignore. Even within our families. It is very stressful when adults tell you not to trust your gut – for example, when they tell you to be nice to cruel family members. (What’s up with that? Isn’t it better for children not to even be around untrustworthy adults? Rather, stop pretending and ignoring warning signs that may actually endanger sensitive children!)

Remember the old saying, “The eyes are a window to your soul?” They are also the window to your emotions. When someone’s face and words do not match their body language and internal energy, it is very unnerving to us. Empathic and sensitive children, young adults, and adults need to learn to trust what they feel, rather than the opposite. Instead of hearing, “you are too sensitive.” We need to hear “trust your true feelings.”

Lying and liars have become quite popular these days. And I don’t get it. Yes, social media can spread lies more quickly, but fact checking is available at our finger tips. Some in the public realm believe, “If I say it, it is true.” Which of course is not true. And truth does matter. It matters a lot. And not just to empaths and sensitives.

“Friedrich Nietzsche said, “I not upset you lied to me; I’m upset from now on I can’t trust you.”  

  • I would update that yes, I am upset that you lied to me, and now I can’t trust you.
  • I am only reminded to trust myself, to see through your mask.
  • Or better yet, to stay away from you ….

 

 

Kick Back

Kick back. Often. Why? Our posture can change our attitude and approach. Really. Not kidding.

Our bodies are our private homes. They house all of our thoughts and emotions. They wear our lifetime of personal history. And sometimes, we get stuck in our heads or our hearts. We may have a constant loop of troubling thoughts or hurtful feelings. Our bodies can become warehouses of tension and pain. One way to tackle this looping replay of what is troubling us is to literally kick back.

When you kick back, you may think this is doing nothing. Wrong. It is not doing nothing. It is doing something. You are actively changing your posture. You are making a statement. You are choosing to hold your body differently. Kicking back is a considered position and approach.

Posture can change attitude. When we kick back, we stretch out our legs to relax and cross our feet for grounding. It is a relaxed position of confidence. Tension melts away when we move into this body position. We unwind, we consider our options and opportunities, we are grateful, and we literally breathe easier. Sometimes we do our best thinking and calmest feeling when we kick back.

If kicking back seems new territory for you, I encourage you to try it. Remember the old adage of fake it til you make it?  Try kicking back (even if just for moments) in the midst of or at the end of a busy day. Tension will dissipate. It just happens when you shift your body into this position. And you can kick back almost anywhere!

Kicking back leads to a calmer attitude and a clearer mind. It provides opportunity to consider in a relaxed position, and it loosens tension in your body. So after your long day of __________________, kick back.        Inhale. Exhale.

 

 

Connection, not Distraction

Connection provides hope; distraction provides a pause. We need connection in our lives to thrive. We seek distraction in our lives for temporary escape. Both have validity. The problem is when we get out of whack between connection and distraction. It is not a 50/50 relationship. Connection way outweighs distraction. Or it should. Because connection builds us up, whereas distraction offers no such hope. Connection helps us grow; distraction keeps us where we are. And too much distraction kills connection, making it stunt our growth. We need to be aware of why and how we direct our time and energy.

Connections are emotional. Connections make relationship. Usually, the relationship is with an ally, friend, family member or colleague. But we can also make temporary connections with people under certain circumstances when we are drawn together. (Same boat syndrome connections are brief but powerful.) When we connect with someone else, we are joined, linked, united. It buoys us. We are seen.

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”  – Brene Brown

Relationship is a connection. Distraction is a void. Definitions of distraction include “extreme agitation of the mind” (Oxford Dictionary),”inability to concentrate or give attention to something,” and “having one’s thoughts or attention drawn away.” (Meriam-Webster Dictionary). And having one’s thoughts and attentions drawn away makes you less of yourself.

In this fast paced world, distraction is often a drug of choice. The problem is that distraction is so easily accessible and marketed, that we don’t even know how much time we are spending in the void. And the void is not a place where we think or feel or grow. Visit there, but don’t stay.

We must let nothing distract us from our purpose – which is to grow and thrive – to become our best selves. We all are a unique contribution to this world, and connections and relationships grow us and grow those around us.

“It is an absolute certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being .”-John Joseph Powell

I Am Light

Be radiant. Be gentle with yourself. Give yourself time to heal. Be light.

“I Am Light”

I am light, I am light
I am light, I am light
I am light, I am light
I am light, I am light
I am not the things my family did
I am not the voices in my head
I am not the pieces of the brokenness inside, I am light
I am light, I am light, I am light
I am light, I am light
I am light, I am light
I’m not the mistakes that I have made
Or any of the things that caused me pain
I am not the pieces of the dream I left behind, I am light
I am light, I am light, I am light
I am light, I am light
I am light, I am light,
I am not the color of my eyes
I am not the skin on the outside
I am not my age, I am not my race
My soul inside is all light
All light, all light yeah
All light, I am light, I am light
I am light, I am light yeah
I am divinity defined
I am the God on the inside
I am a star, a piece of it all
I am light
By India Arie

 

Play, Laughter, & Joy

 

“Your body cannot heal without play. Your mind cannot heal without laughter. Your soul cannot heal without joy.” ~ Catherine Rippinger Fenwick

Deep wounds take time to heal. When we are hurting, and when we are healing, we need to deliberately seek out play, laughter, and joy to help us heal. Play, laughter, and joy remind us that there is still good in the world and hope for us. They provide us with inspiration and relief when we need to take a break from the mental, emotional, and physical work of healing our wounds.

Feel like play is not an option for you? Well then broaden your view of play and/or spend time with playful people and children. If you can, be a participant. If you can’t, be a voyeur. Either way, the playful energy will have a positive effect on you and also give you more ideas on how to play. Karaoke anyone? Ultimate frisbee? Minature golf? Art night out with friends? Sing and dance in the kitchen? Flirt with your spouse? Etc….

People say that laughter is the best medicine. So how do we laugh when we are in the midst of healing? Look to others. Look to the survivors who have been through what you are going through and have lived to tell the tale infused with a little humor. Example – my mother told me that when she was struggling with depression, her mother told her “Well no one in our family has ever had mental health problems or had to see a psychiatrist.” I told my mom, “Well, now I don’t have to worry about that.” We couldn’t stop laughing. We can also watch comedies for escape to give us the chance to remember what laughter looks like and feels like – even if it is just a short reprieve.

And joy? Best places to see joy include time spent with friends, pets, and children. Fun friends bring their playful attitudes right to our doors. Pets are always happy to see us and often eager to play. Children’s natural play and joy brings us joy too. No pets or kids around you? There is always youtube to bring fun funny videos to your home.

Life is all about balance. Balancing the work of healing with (re-learning) the joy of living will speed the process.

 

 

 

Inspiration In Nature

Need some awe? Go outside. Looking for inspiration? Go outside. Need comfort? Go outside. Feeling overwhelmed or underwhelmed? Go outside.

Mother Nature will embrace us. All we need is to go to her. Inspiration comes in so many natural forms. We can seek out our favorite times and places in nature. Yet, her beauty and power will also seek us out. She will remind us to breathe, to heal, to listen, to see, to pay attention.

Nature inspires us in:

1. A sunset – when you know that you made it through the day

2. A sunrise/dawn – when a new day opens with new opportunities

3. The ocean – we see how vast is the world and equally vast our experiences in it

4. Light streaming through the clouds – looking like the hand of God reaching out and shining upon us

5. The wind – giving play and power to get our attention

6. A meadow – all that diversity of life co-existing in harmony

7. A waterfall – how mighty is the water and how cleansing are our tears

8. Warmth of the sun – the great equalizer that shines the same on us all

9. Spring – re-birth and joy, just joy!

10. Fall – changes comes from letting go

So when we are not feeling the inspiration around us. When we need some restoration, healing, or peace. Nature befriends us. In good times and bad. Through sickness and health. Richer or poorer. It’s a come as you are party. The best kind. Just be.

*This post is dedicated to my sister who appreciates nature and lives as much as possible outside.

 

Better Can Happen

 

Do you believe that better can happen? If you do, then you’re an optimist. Because at the core of optimism is hope.

Hope for a better day. A new dawn. A better outcome. A fresh start. A better life. A recovery. The sun will shine. We will walk out of this.

Hope is not for the feint of heart. Hope is for the strong of heart. Or the getting stronger. It is for us. It teaches us resilience. Letting go. Moving on. Lifting up. Being present. Believing in something. Believing in better. Better chances. Better opportunities. A better life.

A hopeful person learns how to get unstuck. We will fight to get unstuck. A hopeful person will hate being trapped. We will fight to get untrapped. We will rescue ourselves by looking for a way out and a way up and grabbing onto a helpful hand, wise advice, an open door when it is offered (even if it is unexpected). We will not stay in a dead relationship or a dead job forever. We know that there must be a way out of this mess. There must be a way to get unstuck. And we will keep searching until we find it. (A friend once told me that there are always at least 3 solutions to any problem.)

Hope takes time. Hope needs patience. Consider the jellyfish analogy. Imagine two (or more) jellyfish with all of their long tentacles hanging down. Now imagine a storm that blows in unexpectedly. The jellyfish tentacles get all tangled up together (seemingly) hopelessly entwined. Talk about stuck! Forever? This is where we need to remind ourselves that it takes time to get tangled up with someone else or in some situation, and it will take time to get untangled. Be patient, but keep trying. With a bit of maneuvering, we CAN get away and float away to open seas again – and to the freedom of new possibilities.

Better can happen. With a bit of luck and a bit more planning. With a bit of hope and a bit of help. With some effort and some struggle. With a lot of faith and many prayers. Believe better can happen at the hardest of times. Because we all deserve some better in our lives.

Anchors Needed

It’s a storm filled world out there. Literal storms, emotional storms, medical deluges, familial hurricanes, political thunderstorms….Storms seem to be everywhere. We need our own personal anchors more than ever to not get blown away.

Anchors as symbols of strength, security, stability, and faith go back several thousand years. Although not seafaring people, early Christians used anchors as symbols of their unshakable faith when they were being hunted and persecuted by the Romans. The phrase “Hope anchors the soul” is derived from a longer verse in the Bible in Hebrews. Nowadays, others have adopted this belief too, and this anchor quote has become quite popular these days on tattoos!

Anchors hold down ships during the stormiest weather. When you drop your anchor, it is self-protective. You know that you are in for a storm, and you are prepared to weather it and get to the other side. The storm may come in the shape of a disease, an accident, a loss, a relationship, a confrontation….You may have time to prepare your ship, or it may come upon you without warning. Either way, your anchor will  provide emotional stability.

Did you know that ships can have more than one anchor? So can we! The anchor that most people count on is faith, belief, and hope in a higher power that will see you through. However, an anchor can also be a person who you can count on and who always has your back in a storm. An anchor can be a practice like yoga or walking meditation to steady you. A meaningful object or affirmation can also help to anchor us when we are scared or worried. Whatever helps fortify you – do that, believe in that. Stay grounded.

“The important thing about anchors is that they give us roots. They remind us of our values and who we are. They reaffirm what is important to us, and why weathering the storm, without giving into behaviors, is totally worth it.” ~ Claire Milliken